I am writing this hoping that it will give me some kind of peace or help me with my grief. I haven't told many people about my decision only because i cant talk about it without crying my eyes out.
So as most people close to me know, I have a very unpredictable dog. He was given to me as a gift from as ex-boyfriend a little over 5 years ago. Im not sure where he got him, all i know is it was a breeder in Washington state. He was a very loving puppy, always cuddling and seemed to be a pretty normal dog. Im not sure the age of when i noticed something was wrong but somewhere around a year old. I would notice that he wasnt just nibbling like puppies do but he would straight up attack people in my family. Even me. I would tell him "No" or try to dicipline him but over time it only got worse. Every time he would bite it was completely un-provoked and when you would least expect it. It would draw blood and sometimes cut deep enough i would question if i needed stitches or not. At this time i was living at home with my family in the basement and i was having to kennel him while i was gone. My mom would get home and take him out but he was still kenneled since he was naughty and couldnt be trusted. He would chew things up and get into things he wasnt supposed to. So after awhile of noticing his aggressive behavior i started slowly letting him out for longer periods of time during the day while i was gone and eventually just got rid of the kennel and let him rome my room while i was gone. I felt like this make him a happier dog but the aggression never went away.
Let me explain a little about the types of aggression. One you couldnt pet him not even i could, you couldnt hold him, you could barely sit next to him. I couldnt have people over and when i did i either had to put him outside or keep him shut in my room so that i didnt risk him hurting other people. I got asked alot why i even had a dog like this? How could i love something that was that mean? But anyone who has dogs could relate i think with me the attatchment you get with them. I never have agreed with his behavior, never liked and always wished that i had a normal dog that everyone could enjoy but i just could never imagine in a million years of giving him up.
So as i started dating Austin things got worse. We could never come over to my house and enjoy it. Because Bucky was either being sketchy and we were afraid of what he was going to do or we had to listen to him cry non stop.
Then when i found out i was pregnant, the first reaction i got from everyone is you have to get rid of that dog before that baby comes. I would get defensive and say that was my decision to make and i would only get rid of him if its what i chose to do. I kept thinking maybe he will be good by then, ( Even though this is something i have been telling myself for years and he never got any better.)
So when we moved out about a month ago, i had been very specific about what kind of house we had to live in. It needed to have backyard that was fenced in so that he couldnt get out. I finally found the perfect house for us moved us in and brought Bucky over praying that he would be ok and be comfortable. He seemed to be happy. Austin was gone for the first week hunting and so it was just me and Bucky then the next week he worked grave yard shifts and i was still sleeping alone. Then one day Austin asked if one of his friends could come over after they got off work, i imediately said "No". This was not because i dont want anyone but only because i worried about Bucky. I felt bad and kept thinking how horrible it was that now im bringing Austin into my non normal life all because of this little Jack Russel that controls my every move. Its not fair but i didnt know what else to do. Also we still hadnt brought Zoe over yet (Austin's dog) she was still at his moms and i know that reason we hadn't was because of Bucky. We were worried about how mean he was going to be to her.
So when things went bad....
On Sunday night me and Austin had gone to sleep, i had gotten up to use the bathroom and when i went to get back into bed Bucky jumped back into my spot on the bed. I told him to get down which he did and i layed back down. then as a rolled over he was standing with his feet on the edge of the bed. I told him to go lay down and before i could blink he jumped at my face attacking it. Austin jumped up and was asking what just happened. I turned on the light and realized that he had ripped a huge gash on my cheek. I called the PA i work with and he said because of me being pregnant i needed to go to the ER and get it cleaned out and check if i needed stitches. They ended up cleaning it out and no stitches thank god. On the way home i looked at Austin and broke down telling him i knew i had to get rid of Bucky. There was no way i could risk this anymore or risk him doing anything to our baby. He agreed with me. So on Monday morning i called my vet (Who knows Bucky very well, as well as his temper) i told them what happened and when the girl on the phone looked at his chart she said "Ok so i see his notes here, let me get Stephanie for you". I'm guessing she saw that he was red flagged and notes showing how aggressive he is. So Stephanie gets on the phone and is very sweet and comforting. She asks me is i think the Bucky could be re-homed. I told her No, i cant imagine putting this on anyone else. She then told me that they agree and that she think what is best is to put Bucky down. I immediately started bawling out loud asking her if she was sure. She explained to me that she has always thought that there was something chemically wrong with Bucky and the fact that i have tried training, as well as medication and everything has failed that she believes there is nothing else that can be done to help him. She explained that they are not the pound and would never put a NON sick dog down, therefore she agrees that Bucky is sick and not happy himself. After talking to her for an hour and then talking to Austin and my family about it we all agreed that its what is best for everyone. I have to do this for Bucky, for myself but most importantly for my baby. I am heartbroken and have been crying for 2 days straight now. I went to my aunt Robins last night to talk about how she had put her dogs down and even though it was for different reasons i wanted to know what to expect. I made and appointment for Thursday. I felt like the sooner i did it the easier it would be, because everyday gets harder and harder. I feel lost and have never been so sad ever in my life. I keep asking Austin how i am supposed to get through this and he doesn't know how to answer that. He says it will hard for a long time, but hopefully over time i will; realize that i made the best decision and that our family deserves to live a normal life. I go back and forth on making the decision if i can be in there when they do it or if it will be easier for me to remember him alive? No one know how to answer that for me, and i don't blame them? I feel like I'm losing one of my babies since that is what he has been for so many years to me. I want him to be happy too and i honestly believe that he is not. So I'm sorry to everyone that i have not been responding to but its just to hard to talk to anyone right now.
10/4/11
9/19/11
Baby Defa
So for our first post we would like to announce that we are expecting our first baby on March 29th. We are very excited although it was not planned.
On August 1st my parents were having their monthly Family BBQ at their house. My mom sent me and Austin to the grocery store for a few things that she needed. On the way there i was talking to Austin about how i thought i was late but wasn't for sure on the exact dates. So while we were at the store i decided to pick up a pregnancy test. When we got back i put it in my purse trying to hide it from the family. (I didn't want to get everyone all excited) I ran straight to the bathroom and took the test. I saw both lines show up instantly and began to panic. I started smacking the test on the counter thinking it was defective or something. I started to read the box as well as the instructions. Once i realized that it wasn't going to change i put it back in my purse and ran out asking Austin to please come down stairs. We barely made it to the bottom of the stairs when i bursted into tears and told him the news. He said "Really?" and then just hugged me. I told him our wedding plans were ruined ( I now feel bad about this because i made him feel like it was all his fault) I asked him to look at the test again and make sure i was right. I was trying to pull it out of my purse but i was shaking so bad i couldn't even concentrate. I asked my mom to come down stairs so i could tell her. She pretty much knew right away. She said "You're Pregnant?" I shook my head yes and she started jumping up and down as i was crying and Austin was still standing there in shock.
It took a few days to really set in. I told a couple people at work and a couple close friends. I was scared to tell my dad so i made my mom call to tell him. For those of you don't know i am my dads only child and he is a little protective so this was a little scary. He asked to talk to me and then surprisingly kept telling me how excited he was.
We had our first Doctors appointment on August 29th and found out at that time that we were 9 weeks and 4 days. We got to hear the heartbeat and see our "Little Peanut" or our "Wee Lad" as Austin calls it. It was a little hard to see but you could see its head and bum and what looked like small little feet or arms poking up. Austin was really cute about it. He kept asking questions like "How fast the heartbeat was?" and after the doctor printed out the picture he just stared at it and then to a picture on his phone and sent it out. I think seeing that is what made him realize how real it really was. i got some blood taken and then we left and went to dinner at Olive Garden. Once again Austin was being cute as he told the hostess and our waiter about our Ultra Sound with a big smile on his face.
Although all of this has been pretty exciting i have had a rough time. I have really bad Morning sickness and have had to go to the hospital for dehydration. I cant seem to keep anything down and spend most of my days in the bathroom. I miss at least one day of work a week which i hate. I have ok days, bad days, and those days when i cant get away from the toilet and those are the days i know that there is no way i can make it to work. My work has been really understanding and i love them for that. I'm hoping that by Thursday things will be getting better since i will be in my second trimester.
I love that i am not going through this alone as well since EVERYONE seems to be pregnant right now. Wes and Jessica Giles and expecting a baby in March as well, and Jamie and Marcus are expecting a baby girl in January. We are now 12 weeks and 4 days and are counting down the days till we find out what we are having. I am hoping for a girl and of course Austin is wanting a boy. I'm really ok with either but i do secretly wish for a girl. I have been told by different people that they think its either one. So just a few more weeks and we will know.
On August 1st my parents were having their monthly Family BBQ at their house. My mom sent me and Austin to the grocery store for a few things that she needed. On the way there i was talking to Austin about how i thought i was late but wasn't for sure on the exact dates. So while we were at the store i decided to pick up a pregnancy test. When we got back i put it in my purse trying to hide it from the family. (I didn't want to get everyone all excited) I ran straight to the bathroom and took the test. I saw both lines show up instantly and began to panic. I started smacking the test on the counter thinking it was defective or something. I started to read the box as well as the instructions. Once i realized that it wasn't going to change i put it back in my purse and ran out asking Austin to please come down stairs. We barely made it to the bottom of the stairs when i bursted into tears and told him the news. He said "Really?" and then just hugged me. I told him our wedding plans were ruined ( I now feel bad about this because i made him feel like it was all his fault) I asked him to look at the test again and make sure i was right. I was trying to pull it out of my purse but i was shaking so bad i couldn't even concentrate. I asked my mom to come down stairs so i could tell her. She pretty much knew right away. She said "You're Pregnant?" I shook my head yes and she started jumping up and down as i was crying and Austin was still standing there in shock.
It took a few days to really set in. I told a couple people at work and a couple close friends. I was scared to tell my dad so i made my mom call to tell him. For those of you don't know i am my dads only child and he is a little protective so this was a little scary. He asked to talk to me and then surprisingly kept telling me how excited he was.
We had our first Doctors appointment on August 29th and found out at that time that we were 9 weeks and 4 days. We got to hear the heartbeat and see our "Little Peanut" or our "Wee Lad" as Austin calls it. It was a little hard to see but you could see its head and bum and what looked like small little feet or arms poking up. Austin was really cute about it. He kept asking questions like "How fast the heartbeat was?" and after the doctor printed out the picture he just stared at it and then to a picture on his phone and sent it out. I think seeing that is what made him realize how real it really was. i got some blood taken and then we left and went to dinner at Olive Garden. Once again Austin was being cute as he told the hostess and our waiter about our Ultra Sound with a big smile on his face.Although all of this has been pretty exciting i have had a rough time. I have really bad Morning sickness and have had to go to the hospital for dehydration. I cant seem to keep anything down and spend most of my days in the bathroom. I miss at least one day of work a week which i hate. I have ok days, bad days, and those days when i cant get away from the toilet and those are the days i know that there is no way i can make it to work. My work has been really understanding and i love them for that. I'm hoping that by Thursday things will be getting better since i will be in my second trimester.
I love that i am not going through this alone as well since EVERYONE seems to be pregnant right now. Wes and Jessica Giles and expecting a baby in March as well, and Jamie and Marcus are expecting a baby girl in January. We are now 12 weeks and 4 days and are counting down the days till we find out what we are having. I am hoping for a girl and of course Austin is wanting a boy. I'm really ok with either but i do secretly wish for a girl. I have been told by different people that they think its either one. So just a few more weeks and we will know.